You know, I'm coming up on my 39th birthday, and I'm anxious. The reason, however, has more to do with feeling the need to get moving on with my life than with merely turning a year older.
Part of it is wanting marriage and a family. If there's one thing with which Jeff and I have struggled, it's that. It's not that we don't want to marry each other. It's not that we don't want to have children together. I put it down to us constantly being in flux - I was in school, then he was in school, then I was in school again in another state a two day drive away while he was just starting his career in Texas. As I neared graduation, the firm he worked for downsized drastically. We both went to live with my parents, while I studied for the bar exam and Jeff looked for work. Jeff started back to school, I passed the bar, then I found a job. Then Jeff quit school, and his job opportunities took him back to Texas. I followed several months later and started my own business there. Then there were health issues. Still are.
However, late last year, we looked at each other and decided we really didn't like living in Dallas anymore. It wasn't where we wanted to put down roots, get married, buy our first home, and have a family. The lifestyle didn't suit us, and we were both becoming more depressed and cynical the longer we stayed. There were other factors (too delicate to be discussed on a blog) but we happily made the decision to move back to Colorado. I was glad to be near enough to help my mom as she recovered from back surgery, and we were grateful to have the move behind us.
But the move coincided with me really sinking into a depression I couldn't seem to escape. Too many heavy things started happening at once. My clients stopped paying as they lost their jobs, and my credit took a hit. My uncle succumbed to lung cancer. My mom was back and forth to the doctor, not seeming to get better as soon as everyone (especially her) hoped. Two old high school friends passed away. Jeff and I began confronting long-standing issues in our relationship. We were back to living with my parents, feeling ashamed - not unlike like irresponsible teenagers. It became too much.
Something had to give, and it was Jeff and I. We took a break. Then we took another. First I took a trip to Las Vegas with some law school buddies. My friend, Heather, knowing what I was going through, generously paid for my flight and hotel. That little trip helped me recharge a bit and push on.
At the end of September, Jeff took a trip with his family to visit his brother in Washington. A two and a half week sigh of relief for both of us, as things had really reached the boiling point. I spent the time with my sister, brother-in-law, nephew and niece - playing Wii, sleeping in, reading a book. Jeff played guitar with his brother and enjoyed the chance to relax by the ocean.
We're back together under one roof now, and we're working on this together. We're thankful for our families and friends for being our shoulders to cry upon, even when they don't agree with the decisions we make.
We hope, and think, we are on the mend as a couple. We are setting long-term goals as a couple again. There's a sense that maybe we're finally getting on with our lives. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's not too late for us to have the family we once planned. I'm still anxious.
